Twas The Night Before
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a
world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to
"Elves." "Vertically Challenged" they were calling
themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole Were alleged by the union to
stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by
the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had
better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were
replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous
by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard roof
noises up on their roof-tops. Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite
frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf would sue
o'er the use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Asking millions of dollars in due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd
had enough of this life, Joined a self-helping group, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could
cause such commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing
for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of
noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be
gender specific. Nothing that's warlike and so, non-pacific. or sweets...they
were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy
tales too, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie...(just better off
hidden.) For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who said the only
good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, not football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports
exposed kids to the dirt. Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe; And
Nintendo, 'twas found, rots your brain cells away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just couldn't figure
out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, (But you've got to
be careful with that word today.) His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the
ground; No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without
angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people and every religion; Every ethnicity, each color and hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even to you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."