Angie's Jokes and Funny Stuff

Jokes, funny stories, one-liners, and other funny stuff. Be sure to bookmark this page and check back often as I'll be constantly adding new jokes.

Check out this cute joke submitted by one of our visitors:

The Rattlesnake Family was having dinner when the youngest snake said to his father, "Daddy, are we poisonous?"

His father replied, "Of course we are! We're the Rattlesnakes!"

The little snake began to cry. When his mother asked what was wrong he shouted, "I just bit my tongue!"

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You know you're addicted to coffee when:

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You ski uphill.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You think decaffeinated coffee is for wimps.

You can knit a sweater in two minutes

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You're so wired, you can pick up AM radio.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

When someone asks: How are you? and you're reply is: Good to the last drop!

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a
cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why are there 3 little green army guys in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...
'The best part of waking up, is soldiers in your cup.' "

 

When buying diapers please note:
10—12 pounds is *not* an indication of how much they can hold!

Kids are Like Dogs, Teens are Like Cats

I just realized that while children are dogs ... loyal and affectionate ... teenagers are cats.

It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorstep, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry ... then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it and it runs away. Tell it to sit and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

 

"Women and cats do as they darn well please....
Men and dogs best learn to live with it..."

 

Stress Diet

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

8 oz skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz broiled chicken

1 cup steamed zucchini

1 Oreo cookie

1 cup herb tea

Afternoon Snack:

Rest of the package of Oreo cookies

1 quart Rocky Road ice cream

1 jar hot fudge

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread

1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza

1 pitcher of beer/pop

3 candy bars

Midnight Snack:

1 entire cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

 

Ever wondered how a 2 pound box of candy can make you gain 5 pounds?

Diet Rules for Cheaters

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

All calories consumed on vacation don't count.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, ice cream, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

The calories consumed by eating off of someone else's plate don't count.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.  Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Late-night snacks have no calories if eaten directly from the refrigerator . The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, popsicles, etc.

 

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

This guy walks into a doctor's office.
He has a carrot up his nose, and a banana sticking out of his right ear.
"What's the matter with me, doc?", he asks.
"Well, that's pretty obvious," replies the doctor, "you're not eating properly".

 

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to remember to always finish what you start. So far today, I've finished 2 bags of potato chips, a gallon of icecream, a bucket of chicken, and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

 

I had to give up jogging for my health, my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

 

You know you're having a bad day when:

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

Your children's school calls to surrender.

Your bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax check bounces.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says,"Good morning Bill", and your name is George.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your dog ignores you.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your plants do better when you 'don't' talk to them.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up thinking your water bed broke, then you realize you don't have one

 

Company coming? House a mess?
Just display some old "Get Well" cards.

You know you're getting old when:

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of all the candles.

You have more hair on your back than on your head.

The candles on your birthday cake set off the smoke alarm.

You need a fire permit for your birthday cake.

You stop to think and forget to start again.

You can't remember how to start your rocking chair.

When you went to school they didn't even have History class.

 

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... Bo Derek getting older.

 

There are three tell-tale signs that you're getting old:
One is memory loss . . . . and I've forgotten the other two.

 

Funny Signs and Ads found around the World:

Sign on notice board:  "For Sale:  exercise bike good as new.  Please call Mrs. Stout.

Four­poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

At a festival the band was playing away when the leader announced, "And now, 'I'm in the Mood for Love.'  Everybody on the floor.

In the classified ads:  "Sewing-machine mechanic to work in ladies' housecoasts.  Good wages and working conditions."

"At yesterday's Columbus Day fair, a woman was bitten by a dog in the entertainment area."
 

In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining  guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extrcted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
 

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

More Funny Signs:

Sign In Bathroom Toilet Out Of Order. Please Use Floor Below

In A Laundromat: Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out

In A London Department Store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

In An Office: Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday  Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be Taken

In An Office: After Tea Break Staff Should Empty The Teapot And  Stand Upside Down On The Draining Board

Outside A Secondhand Shop: We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing Machines, Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain?

Notice In Health Food Shop Window: Closed Due To Illness

Spotted In A Safari Park:  Elephants, Please Stay In Your Car

Seen During A Conference: For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesn't Know It, There Is A Day Care On The First Floor

Notice In A Field: The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free, But The Bull Charges.

Message On A Leaflet: If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How To Get Lessons

On A Repair Shop Door: We Can Repair Anything  (Please Knock Hard On The Door - The Bell Doesn't Work)

 

This guy walks into a doctor's office.
He has a carrot up his nose, and a banana sticking out of his right ear.
"What's the matter with me, doc?", he asks.
"Well, that's pretty obvious," replies the doctor, "you're not eating properly".

For more jokes, check out Angie's Christmas Jokes